How can I with power and authority lead others on a path to mental wellness when my own is in shambles? I can not. My lack of self-care and inattention to my own well being while using other peoples struggles to distract me from my own has lead me to see my actions for what they were, hypocrisy.
I can not in good faith ask others to do what I was unwilling to do myself. I could no longer extol the benefits of self-affirmations, exercise, mindfulness, rest, meditation, and, fearlessness when I was gripped by fear and self-doubt.
Fear had a hold. Fear gave me permission to do nothing, to use my circumstances as a reason for complacency, to shrink my responsibility to myself and to you. I retreated over and over again to the shadows where I was most comfortable, where I was “safe”. Every time I got close to a break through I backed away because under harsh lights my imperfections would be illuminated.
Everyone would know that I struggle. Everyday. I struggle with low self-esteem, an eating disorder, my parenting skills, trusting myself and others, failure, success, finances.
I struggle.
The world would see that the “Rock” was merely a collection of circumstances, experiences, lost battles and won wars that left me wounded but still standing.
And the question became, who do I think I am to stand before you, scarred and imperfect, to help you along your journey to wellness? And as I shake off my hypocrisy and allow my conviction to compel me to speak with my true voice and be my whole self, I answer, I am your reflection. I mirror your struggle, but more importantly, I mirror your victory.
The fact that I have been through, that I go through, and that I have come through gives me exactly what I need to help you do the same.
Let’s do this work because you are worthy of being holistically well!
Yulinda Rock